Before I move back into the realm of literature, I felt compelled to share one more psalm. This one came to my attention as I made the rest of my way through the Psalter in a kind of path toward recovery. It is Psalm 138, which sang out as a rejoinder to my earlier draw upon Psalm 20:
I will praise you, Lord, with all my heart;
before the “gods” I will sing your praise.
I will bow down toward your holy temple
and will praise your name
for your unfailing love and your faithfulness,
for you have so exalted your solemn decree
that it surpasses your fame.
When I called, you answered me;
you greatly emboldened me.
May all the kings of the earth praise you, Lord,
when they hear what you have decreed.
May they sing of the ways of the Lord,
for the glory of the Lord is great.
Though the Lord is exalted, he looks kindly on the lowly;
though lofty, he sees them from afar.
Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
you preserve my life.
You stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes;
with your right hand you save me.
The Lord will vindicate me;
your love, Lord, endures forever—
do not abandon the works of your hands.
Given my newborn son’s name, I love again the resonance of Kings.
But it also brought me to more closely consider the following question: Am I testing or trusting my God?
And have I grown testy in my trusting?
Recovering makes me so impatient. I’m one of those dreadful folks who is terrible to be around when she’s stuck in bed, or sleep deprived, or not up to the usual energy. I don’t like to slow down. Or to admit any weakness. Or to be inconvenienced by my own body, my own expectations or desires being unmet – especially by me, nonetheless.
“Recovery” is such a loaded term. Just what is being recovered? A prior self? For that seems impossible after we have been changed irrevocably, it would seem, by trauma, struggle, fear, despair.
Besides, would I even want that old self back?
No, I think not. For all the trials, for the suffering and silvering, I am different now. As I should be. As is right and good when I bring that change before God, when I turn toward Him and re-cover myself in Him, with Him.
I opened the Book of James this morning, and the words from Chapter One leapt from the page:
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.
The giving is given “generously to all without finding fault.” Thank God, quite literally! Or where would any of us be? The only requirement is faith, is trust that the gift will be given. And that is the glory of the gift itself!
But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord: he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.
Testing or trusting … is this the double-mindedness that unwinds us if we do not tip toward the trusting? A Janus-faced form of living that turns us against ourselves as we turn against our God? Our own undoing from within?
The trusting self is what I pray to recover, what I hope to go back and find again, burnished and bright, amidst the ashes of mourning and shards of pain.
The Trust makes me secure, renders me stable in all I do and am.
And it is there, it is always there, after His testing of me into the trusting.
And so I believe, I trust … that He will give me the wisdom for which I ask, in all its various forms and provisions. And that the joy of discovery lies at the heart of recovery, in being surprised by the forms these provisions take.
Recovery is the kin of Redemption: it takes us to the calm waters, from which we can drink deeply and on which we can float.
And so, in my impatient attempts at trust, recovery reminds me that trusting is perseverance rewarded and at rest.
Lover of God, happy wife, mama to 4, writer, teacher, author of
Lovely, Carolyn. Thank you.
Thanks, Diana. Now if I could only get some sleep again! :) But it IS delicious, having this last little baby to hold. Miss you! xo
Caro, thank you for humble words so rich in meaning. You help your readers face ourselves. There is great evidence of true Holy Spirit activity in this blessed recovery time, benefitting many. Appreciate you. So much.
I appreciate you, too, dear one. I continue to be with you in prayer.
Ditto to what Diana & Elizabeth have said. He continues to speak tenderly and firmly through you. Blessings & thanks again dear fellow Pilgrim!
I love the fellow Pilgrim name! So lovely, and a good reminder. Thanks, Janice!
Hi, Carolyn I read your book this summer and cried. And that says a lot because I have not been emotional over a book in a long time. Your evidence of how God wooed you to Himself and how you sorted out your friends’ contrariness to the gospel was delectable, and I am grateful to God that He led me to your words of life. Your Trusting word-bite blog was encouraging and moving as I recall those days when I felt so “needy” after my children were born. (And I have 8 of them for which I have much to recollect.) May your road to recovery via Trust be paved with the gold that the silvering brings about.
You made my day, Shelley – no, my year! :) Thank you so much for joining here, and for you amazing words of encouragement. And wow – 8 kids! You are my new super hero!!! God bless!
Your thoughts reminded me of the constant need we have (and that the world has) for God to “make us able and willing” to follow him–and to bear us up as we struggle.
What does meditation on the Psalms recover? I think, in part…what was lost in the garden (can I say a “prior self” I’ve never met?)…simple trust in God and a native desire to embrace him.
Currently doing a short six-week series on the petitions of the Lord’s Prayer. I continue to find the Westminster Larger Catechism to be a helpful way to think through what Jesus is telling us to pray. I think the third petition is concerned about the same topic that you discuss above. Jesus tells us to beg our Father in heaven to make us new, by his grace and Spirit, so that what is not natural to us becomes what we are able to do–love, enjoy, and serve him…”as the angels do in heaven.” This week I am asking my Father for “like…cheerfulness….”
Here is that full answer: “Q. 192. What do we pray for in the third petition? A. In the third petition, (which is, Thy will be done in earth as it is in heaven), acknowledging, that by nature we and all men are not only utterly unable and unwilling to know and do the will of God, but prone to rebel against his Word, to repine and murmur against his providence, and wholly inclined to do the will of the flesh, and of the devil: we pray, that God would by his Spirit take away from ourselves and others all blindness, weakness, indisposedness, and perverseness of heart; and by his grace make us able and willing to know, do, and submit to his will in all things, with the like humility, cheerfulness, faithfulness, diligence, zeal, sincerity, and constancy, as the angels do in heaven.”
Such interesting thoughts here David. Thank you again for sharing. You heartened my journey through Psalms – I owe you so much, friend! God bless.
Oh my! How timely (for me!) and beautiful!
“The trusting self is what I pray to recover, what I hope to go back and find again, burnished and bright, amidst the ashes of mourning and shards of pain.” Pure poetry!
poetry often comes from the hard places, doesn’t it? Thanks so much, Katy.
“Am I testing or trusting my God?”– a question we need to ask ourselves frequently. thanks for posting this Psalm!
I’m trying to work more on the trusting … and the wonder – greatly looking forward to your book! :)
I gratefully have stumbled across your blog, book, and soul moving interview and, have been slowly sipping from your well of wisdom and interactive meditations with the Lord. I congratulate you on your many auspicious accomplishments. However, it is the change of your heart from doubt, fears and natural tendencies which you decided to leave and recover from that I applaud you for. Carolyn, thank you for your encouraging, inspiring and open-wide door to others that has softly beckoned me to walk thru into your world so different from mine in the sense of physical limitations. I relate to the spirit that moves behind and between your words like liquid silver bathing all in light, understanding and humble beauty.
God keep you and yours,
In faith,
A new friend ~ I hope,
Deborah